Dreams

I am in a relationship with a great guy now. Someone I fell in love with, kind of unexpectantly because I guard my emotions when I am in a relationship. Well, I blame him...he showed me love when I was not getting anything from anywhere else. I needed someone to lean on, he was there, even though I had never asked it of him. It's been about a month since we started "officially" going out...I say that because it seems like longer, and yet, in a way it has been. We met in August, and have been close pretty much from the first time we hung out. Ok, now to get to the point of the title. A couple nights ago I had a dream about us getting married (now only if the constitution would catch up with my dreams)...it was a wonderful dream...and no, neither one of us wore a dress...needless to say I will not make a mockery of my love like some homos do when they go through their ceremonies. We were both in tux's...he had a red rose pinned to his shirt, and i had a white one...dont ask the significance of the colors, thats just how it was. Of course I woke up while the ceremony was going on so I do not know what else entailed afterward...I could guess though. OK then last night, I had a dream about beating the living shit out of my exe. Now normally, in dreams, something stops my fists from ever making contact with a person. I do not know what, thats just how it has always been...but in this one I made his face a bloody mess. I have only ever felt that way about one person, my other exe before that guy. What is it with my feelings of hatred towards people I had loved? Hmm I wonder if there is something to it. I know my man would say there is....he hates my exe. But yeah I think it is weird that in a dream I was not stopped from hitting him. I guess aggression for past hurt has to get out somehow...right? What does this say about whats going on in my life and my emotionalness?

Coincidence

Growing up I was obsessed with defining myself and my family...probably due in part to my being a homo and not knowing what it was or why I was. Anyway

I have always associated my family with wolves. Not because we are evil, but because we have a hierarchy...alfas and everything. Anyway, I have also always loved the two nature "elements" for lack of a better word of lightning(plasma now that I am older and know more) and earth. Having now "grown up" I know all my zodiacs are earth based...my moon sign, sun sign, and chinese zodiac...ok so I do not know my mars sign...but i dont think that is all that important. Also my gem is green like plants, which grow from the earth. Hmmm...anyway my high school was lightning, my current college is wolves, and the college I will be going to is a badger, which is an earth based animal. Now the guy I want to go out with is big into wolves. And he grew up on a farm planting and digging...hmmmm anyway thats just some things I have to go do some math...BOOO!!!

Ein Wünschen

Sometimes, I wish I were straight. The majority of my life has been wishing that, so it is hard to get away from the thought. Anyway, I broke up with my bf Saturday morning at 3:30am while he was gone in Milwaukee, most likely hooking up. At least thats what the craigslist replies in his email's inbox would suggest. He did not find out about it till he arrived home sunday night/monday morning around 11pm or 12am. Aren't I lucky? So he wants me to try and stay with him. I love him, but I am not in love with him, nor can I trust him, whether I was in love with him or not. He wants to go to "marriage" counsoling with him. Soooo that way even if we do not get back together we can maybe have everything out on the table and have a good friendship...I think that friendship thing is going to take a while. First we need to get over the things that are going on and then tear down what we have/had for one another so we can rebuild in a different light. Then there is the eventual boyfriend...the guy I will be going out with. Eh lets go into that a different time.

Sleepless Indiscretion Part2

And last night was another night of trying to fall asleep in a clatter of noise. BUT this time it was our roommate and his friend. Even though I had asked them nicely to be quiet. So if anyone disturbs my sleep on Sunday night (because I do not have school tomorrow so it won't be that big of a deal) I will freak out on them! I have done nothing to deserve being treated as if my needs are below their wants to stay up late at night. I would not care if they would just keep the noise down...but they do not. One night because our roommate said to me, "You look angry." I then said, "I am not angry, I am tired because you people keep me up at night and I have school in the morning." As I said this I pointed at both my bf and the roommate...then last night my stupid bf said something pertaining to me and said, "that one"...see he has no right to be pissed off at me about shit. I have done nothing wrong towards him (that he knows of anyway) so this is becoming increasingly difficult to let my plan play out and not just say, "I AM DONE WITH YOU, BYE!!!! God has to help me because I am fed up with all this. I cannot wait till the break up because either the day after, or the weekend after I am going to go up to my hometown and come out to my parents because I am tired of not being able to let them into my life. I tired of having to cry and not being able to tell them why. I do not care about certain things any more, like how my parents are going to react...I just need to get all the drama out of my life that I can...OH AND that includes confronting my dumb ass brother in law. I cannot wait to get it all out. My life will hopefully be able to move forward and become better due to it. There will probably be some hard feelings...but to tell you the truth if I have to discontinue contact with a sibling because they cannot accept things that go on in MY life and something that does not affect them, than I say good riddens! I know they love me and I do not think it will happen. Anyway I am going to go...ba bye!

Sleepless Indiscretion

So I am in college, FINALLY after having taken a year off from high school. My ex to be does not support me in it. He stays awake at night while I sleep...and he makes NOISE! I cannot stand it. So even if he was not cheating on me like he is, I would still break up with him because he does not care that his loudness at night, his inability to think of my needs is affecting my schooling and my future. I will add more to this later....but for now I need to go to my english class...something he is greatly affecting.

Ever Onward

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45
Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
[CHORUS]
Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believeI believe
[CHORUS]

45 Shinedown

I wish I could express what this songs makes me feel. It almost makes me feel free...like I freed myself, because at one point this is how I felt. I had fallen apart. Thankfully to my own inner strength and the help of my dear friend Rachael (in my sophomore year) I overcame the feeling of wanting to look down the barrel of a 45 magnum. LOL I know I am wierd...but i was listening to this song, and I love it so I just had to write it. BYE

Und vieleicht...kennst du, willst dir...nichts

Ich wuensche meinem leben Halten!!!!!! I wish things could just stop. I wish I could just say FUCK THIS!!!! I want to be alone sooo bad...but everyday I have to return to this guy. I cannot wait for it to be over. Yesterday I went to print something off out of my email....an agenda for an OutThere meeting (branched off from the nonprofit organization OutReach for people who identify as LGBTQ) and guess what I found when I went to gmail. My boyfriends email was still up. Not only that, but it had replies from craiglist in it. Now I am not exactly angry...kinda sorta amused actually....it does however make me want to leave that much more. Such a stupid situation to get into. And I am going into another one. Or so it may be. But we will see...because this is all complicated and I am a simple guy... this is what God does. Mannnnn this is screwy! I want to get away with my car. It may not be possible though. Which I guess in the end, as long as I am happy I do not care. It would just be nice to get away with it.

I am quite happy it is happening though. I cannot wait for it to happen. I am sick of the lies and the cheating and what ever else. I want to be free from it. So that is it for now...I need to reply to my cousin's email (he lives in Germany and I need to type in german...I am excited about it)