Ein Wünschen

Sometimes, I wish I were straight. The majority of my life has been wishing that, so it is hard to get away from the thought. Anyway, I broke up with my bf Saturday morning at 3:30am while he was gone in Milwaukee, most likely hooking up. At least thats what the craigslist replies in his email's inbox would suggest. He did not find out about it till he arrived home sunday night/monday morning around 11pm or 12am. Aren't I lucky? So he wants me to try and stay with him. I love him, but I am not in love with him, nor can I trust him, whether I was in love with him or not. He wants to go to "marriage" counsoling with him. Soooo that way even if we do not get back together we can maybe have everything out on the table and have a good friendship...I think that friendship thing is going to take a while. First we need to get over the things that are going on and then tear down what we have/had for one another so we can rebuild in a different light. Then there is the eventual boyfriend...the guy I will be going out with. Eh lets go into that a different time.

Sleepless Indiscretion Part2

And last night was another night of trying to fall asleep in a clatter of noise. BUT this time it was our roommate and his friend. Even though I had asked them nicely to be quiet. So if anyone disturbs my sleep on Sunday night (because I do not have school tomorrow so it won't be that big of a deal) I will freak out on them! I have done nothing to deserve being treated as if my needs are below their wants to stay up late at night. I would not care if they would just keep the noise down...but they do not. One night because our roommate said to me, "You look angry." I then said, "I am not angry, I am tired because you people keep me up at night and I have school in the morning." As I said this I pointed at both my bf and the roommate...then last night my stupid bf said something pertaining to me and said, "that one"...see he has no right to be pissed off at me about shit. I have done nothing wrong towards him (that he knows of anyway) so this is becoming increasingly difficult to let my plan play out and not just say, "I AM DONE WITH YOU, BYE!!!! God has to help me because I am fed up with all this. I cannot wait till the break up because either the day after, or the weekend after I am going to go up to my hometown and come out to my parents because I am tired of not being able to let them into my life. I tired of having to cry and not being able to tell them why. I do not care about certain things any more, like how my parents are going to react...I just need to get all the drama out of my life that I can...OH AND that includes confronting my dumb ass brother in law. I cannot wait to get it all out. My life will hopefully be able to move forward and become better due to it. There will probably be some hard feelings...but to tell you the truth if I have to discontinue contact with a sibling because they cannot accept things that go on in MY life and something that does not affect them, than I say good riddens! I know they love me and I do not think it will happen. Anyway I am going to go...ba bye!

Sleepless Indiscretion

So I am in college, FINALLY after having taken a year off from high school. My ex to be does not support me in it. He stays awake at night while I sleep...and he makes NOISE! I cannot stand it. So even if he was not cheating on me like he is, I would still break up with him because he does not care that his loudness at night, his inability to think of my needs is affecting my schooling and my future. I will add more to this later....but for now I need to go to my english class...something he is greatly affecting.

Ever Onward

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45
Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
[CHORUS]
Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believeI believe
[CHORUS]

45 Shinedown

I wish I could express what this songs makes me feel. It almost makes me feel free...like I freed myself, because at one point this is how I felt. I had fallen apart. Thankfully to my own inner strength and the help of my dear friend Rachael (in my sophomore year) I overcame the feeling of wanting to look down the barrel of a 45 magnum. LOL I know I am wierd...but i was listening to this song, and I love it so I just had to write it. BYE

Und vieleicht...kennst du, willst dir...nichts

Ich wuensche meinem leben Halten!!!!!! I wish things could just stop. I wish I could just say FUCK THIS!!!! I want to be alone sooo bad...but everyday I have to return to this guy. I cannot wait for it to be over. Yesterday I went to print something off out of my email....an agenda for an OutThere meeting (branched off from the nonprofit organization OutReach for people who identify as LGBTQ) and guess what I found when I went to gmail. My boyfriends email was still up. Not only that, but it had replies from craiglist in it. Now I am not exactly angry...kinda sorta amused actually....it does however make me want to leave that much more. Such a stupid situation to get into. And I am going into another one. Or so it may be. But we will see...because this is all complicated and I am a simple guy... this is what God does. Mannnnn this is screwy! I want to get away with my car. It may not be possible though. Which I guess in the end, as long as I am happy I do not care. It would just be nice to get away with it.

I am quite happy it is happening though. I cannot wait for it to happen. I am sick of the lies and the cheating and what ever else. I want to be free from it. So that is it for now...I need to reply to my cousin's email (he lives in Germany and I need to type in german...I am excited about it)

Understand...this is...

People talk of God as this being that looks at us from afar. But I feel as if God is behind me watching my life, guiding me and helping me become what he wants me to be. He has guided me through adversity to people who help me out of the problems I have been facing. He gave me a couple gaurdian angels. Derreck for one. He loves me. I do not know what it is. But he does. I do not understand why he would help me pay a medical bill, help me sell a car that needed to get out of my life, and tell me I am safe with him, unless he really loved me. Then again, he does have a boyfriend. A boyfriend I essentially told him to get because I do not know how much longer this relationship I am in is going to last. He set himself up for failure. He is going out with an 18 year old kid who just started coming out of the closet a few months ago. Literally like 3 months ago. Derreck is 34...and experienced in life. Nick, is not. He is ignorant, and whorish. Derreck already found text messages on his cell phone for a hook up to occur. It did not, but that is because the other guy had a guilty conscious before it even happened. How pathetic is that...not even 2 weeks into the relationship, and 3 months out of the closet, and the fucking faggot is already a sterotypical peice of shit. And of course because the guy was kicked out of his grandparents house for being queer Derreck will not kick him out...much less break up with him. It kind of pisses me off...but I cannot talk all that much. Yes, my situation is a lot more complicated than Derrekcs...but I have been with my cheater for a year after I found out about his initial cheating. But still...one day I was talking with Derreck on the phone and I said something to the affect of, "You set yourself up for failure...essentially it is like you are going out with this guy so you have something to be occupied with until I am available." He agreed...it was not an exact intent...when he started going out with this guy his emotions where open to what ever happened...love, caring, that kind of thing. But then on this guys manhunt or gay.com he put in his "looking for" category, "See where things go" as in he would be open to meeting other guys and seeing where it goes. Geez that annoys me! He does not deserve what Derreck stands for! I would not cheat on him. Well, unless he decided he wanted to screw up. But I do not think he would screw up with me. Anyway, I need to get back to reading my texts books for school and what not.

Into the Maelstrom

Since being out of the closet in 2004 till now I have had three boyfriends. One lasted 3 weeks, if you even want to call that a relationship, the second lasted 10 1/2 months...then another 2 1/2 months after a 2 month break up. I am currently in a year and a half relationship. All of them I have been cheated on. The first one I dropped his ass after finding out about his cheating. The second one I contemplated keeping him as my boyfriend. This third one, I did keep him. Do you see what happens to a person when repitition constantly affects them. They become weak. They become more accepting of horrible things that happen to them. It is tiredness and exhaustion. However, I am getting ready to put an end to this shit! I will break up with this boy, and I will begin to search for man. There is a 9 year difference, and yet I treat my loved ones better than he does. I have not been faithful in this relationship, I will be the first to admit. I will also be the first to admit I should have dropped his ass when I walked in on him cheating on me. I do not know why I kept with him for so long. I do not know why I did not drop him when I found out he lied to me about his HIV status, his name and even his age. I should have dropped him when he had gone to a gay club and got drunk, way before the first time he cheated on me, though I know he cheated on me the night he went to the gay club...I know him well enough! He has dragged me down into debt, endangered my life with his lies, and made people think I am not worth knowing. He has kept his friends in the area a secret, even though we have been living together just two less months from how long we have been dating. He goes to parties and does not invite me, he sleeps over at other peoples' houses, and stays away for days. How could I possibly think he is faithful when I give those facts? I am ready for a change. I am done with his control on my life. I am done with him slighting my name, and talking about things he should not with other people. He blames me for having no tact, but he indeed has no tact when he goes to my friends about me, then expects them to keep what he says to themselves. THEN blames me for talking with my friends about our relationship even though he was the one running his mouth. I am tired of him talking to other guys sexually, when he does not even have sex with me...does not even make out with me. What am I to say or think about all this? I should have dumped him when he kept talking about how bad a boyfriend he is at the beginning of our relationship. I should have done a lot of things. In retrospect I am glad I did not. I would not have met some really awesome people had I broken up with him and moved home, which is what would have happened before. Now when we break, I will live with a friend. I cannot wait to be free. To be able to feel for myself instead of feeling things from him. I cannot wait till his actions will not affect how well I sleep, or how much I want to face the day. I do love him, but I most deffinently feel out of love with him. That happens when you treat a person like shit. He will never learn, and he will end up alone like so many other gay boys. He will never be a man as it is. A man is what I need and what I will continue to strive to become. Financial stuff is in my way currently, but soon enough I will be free. I will be happy with myself and not have to be happy as "we". I do not want "we" but "me" right now. Anyway enough of my rant...there will be more eventually. Tchuss