Into the Maelstrom

Since being out of the closet in 2004 till now I have had three boyfriends. One lasted 3 weeks, if you even want to call that a relationship, the second lasted 10 1/2 months...then another 2 1/2 months after a 2 month break up. I am currently in a year and a half relationship. All of them I have been cheated on. The first one I dropped his ass after finding out about his cheating. The second one I contemplated keeping him as my boyfriend. This third one, I did keep him. Do you see what happens to a person when repitition constantly affects them. They become weak. They become more accepting of horrible things that happen to them. It is tiredness and exhaustion. However, I am getting ready to put an end to this shit! I will break up with this boy, and I will begin to search for man. There is a 9 year difference, and yet I treat my loved ones better than he does. I have not been faithful in this relationship, I will be the first to admit. I will also be the first to admit I should have dropped his ass when I walked in on him cheating on me. I do not know why I kept with him for so long. I do not know why I did not drop him when I found out he lied to me about his HIV status, his name and even his age. I should have dropped him when he had gone to a gay club and got drunk, way before the first time he cheated on me, though I know he cheated on me the night he went to the gay club...I know him well enough! He has dragged me down into debt, endangered my life with his lies, and made people think I am not worth knowing. He has kept his friends in the area a secret, even though we have been living together just two less months from how long we have been dating. He goes to parties and does not invite me, he sleeps over at other peoples' houses, and stays away for days. How could I possibly think he is faithful when I give those facts? I am ready for a change. I am done with his control on my life. I am done with him slighting my name, and talking about things he should not with other people. He blames me for having no tact, but he indeed has no tact when he goes to my friends about me, then expects them to keep what he says to themselves. THEN blames me for talking with my friends about our relationship even though he was the one running his mouth. I am tired of him talking to other guys sexually, when he does not even have sex with me...does not even make out with me. What am I to say or think about all this? I should have dumped him when he kept talking about how bad a boyfriend he is at the beginning of our relationship. I should have done a lot of things. In retrospect I am glad I did not. I would not have met some really awesome people had I broken up with him and moved home, which is what would have happened before. Now when we break, I will live with a friend. I cannot wait to be free. To be able to feel for myself instead of feeling things from him. I cannot wait till his actions will not affect how well I sleep, or how much I want to face the day. I do love him, but I most deffinently feel out of love with him. That happens when you treat a person like shit. He will never learn, and he will end up alone like so many other gay boys. He will never be a man as it is. A man is what I need and what I will continue to strive to become. Financial stuff is in my way currently, but soon enough I will be free. I will be happy with myself and not have to be happy as "we". I do not want "we" but "me" right now. Anyway enough of my rant...there will be more eventually. Tchuss